A Conversion of Life
As of today, according to the government, I am officially old. A senior citizen. An OAP. For, as of today, I am receiving the State Pension.
Do I feel old? No, definitely not. Indeed, it comes as a daily surprise to me to think of myself in terms of chronology. The physical years may well have reached a particular number but in my mind I am lot younger (albeit thankful for the intervening years have provided a degree of wisdom compared to those younger times!).
I am, according to the government, also in the ‘happiest age group’ – a time when ‘satisfaction, happiness and feeling life was worthwhile all peaked’. There have been many times when I have felt life was worthwhile already so we wait and see what happens next!
But navigating such ages and stages of life does bring challenges and changes. I moved on from paid employment six years ago. I finished a long career helping people to find or remain in work: specialising in supporting those who had a disability or health problem and in particular people experiencing mental ill health. I also developed and led a national and international initiative supporting and training employers. A regular speaker at conferences here and in Europe I was relatively well-known in that particular field of work. That career was a time of variety, satisfaction, happiness and feeling worthwhile culminating in the honour of being appointed MBE because of it.
With retirement came change and plenty of questions about who I am now, though. No longer was I someone who was known or recognised for what I did. Filling the time now takes more effort. Levels of confidence fluctuate. Isolation is an unwelcome companion at times.
However, new activities have come through writing and a portfolio of roles within the broader church. They have re-developed that sense of variety I enjoy and influence how I function best. One learns how to measure ‘who I am’ in different ways. In this particular season I have regularly recalled and quoted 94 year-old Clint Eastwood who when asked about aging said ‘Don’t let the old man in.’
These last few years have been a time which meant doing just that: not letting the old man in. Not seeing myself as ‘old’. A time which requires, to use a term from Benedictine spirituality (which I have written about in previous devotionals) a ‘conversion of life’ – and still does.
Accompanying that attitudinal conversion of life, there has been a deepening of my sense of God – not least through becoming a Benedictine Oblate – but also personally finding an enriched sense of God’s presence, love and grace on a daily basis.
As each of us grow older, and whatever age and stage we are at present, there needs to be room for ‘conversion of life’. Space for our relationship with God to grow as well as enabling God to continue to use all that makes us the person we are.
Bishop Richard Moth once said, ‘Conversion is a journey in which we are engaged every day of our lives, even at every moment.’
Conversion of life is an ongoing process. As we journey through Advent, navigate Christmas and enter a New Year, rather than making soon to be forgotten ‘resolutions’ perhaps we might ask ourselves two ongoing questions:
- Who am I becoming?
- Who are others becoming in my presence?
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